The Only Thing I Have Done Since I Came to College is Eat Yogurt.

I wrote this whole thing in Microsoft Word. In addition, it is correcting a lot of my grammar. Therefore, I am going to listen to its suggestions. We will see how it turns out.

            Therefore, yes, I am in college now. In addition, it has been lovely. I'm involved in lots of extracurriculars (none), am seeing all of the city (campus), going to all of the parties (zero), and being a scholar (this is actually true. Do not worry mom and dad.). I have made some friends. There was a lot of having the same conversation repeatedly, usually consisting of "Who are you, where are you from and what school are you in?" To which my response was usually, "Zach, Indiana, Tisch." To which the response was usually, "Oh cool… What made you want to go to college in the states instead of overseas?" To which my response was usually, "Well, I should probably go to class" To which the response was usually, "It's Welcome Week." To which my response was usually, "I'm sorry my English is a little how do you say 'rusty.'" Nevertheless, yeah I've made friends. I forced two of them to watch Bridesmaids with me within the first week of being here. Did not see that one coming did ya… Another friend met me because we both walked out of the dorm at the same time with the intent to just walk around. So we walked around for a couple hours. She then promptly abandoned me at a turnstile 2 weeks later. And consistently calls me Collin. To my face. But yeah I've made friends! School is fun and lots of work but it makes me think. Even though it only costs like a nickel a year to go here. SO THAT'S GOOD.

            In all seriousness, I have eaten yogurt literally every day since I have been here. Partially because the rest of the food in the dining hall in my building is less-than-ideal, partially because I want to eat healthier and the best way to do that is eat bacteria-saturated milk and sugar, but mostly because I love yogurt. I eat a lot of salad too. This makes me sound like an extremely exciting person. So much has happened over the course of the month that the only thing I have to report is that I eat a lot of salad and yogurt. I went to a gourmet mac and cheese restaurant the other day and it was great (the content of this portion is written at such a high comprehension level, using phrases like "…and it was great….college education.) There is a lovely pizza place here called Artichoke Pizza and they make a mean Artichoke pizza. I did not know what an artichoke tasted like, let alone that it could be used as a pizza topping. I still don't know that I could tell you what an artichoke tastes like, but this pizza is freaking amazing and I haven't had to pay for it yet because Atlantic Theatre orientation procedures set me up with great people. Who bought me Artichoke pizza.

            Guys I saw a Sprouse twin. I guess the better way to begin is to explain what a Sprouse twin is. Zack and Cody (Dylan and Cole Sprouse) of Suite Life fame go to NYU. I go to NYU. Therefore, I am best friends with Dylan and Cole Sprouse. By best friends, I mean I saw one of them for about 5 seconds the other night in one of the dining halls after waiting for about an hour for some "macaroni" (actually rotini pasta… the nerve of some people) and cheese. Upon exiting the line, I was like "Who is this fool that's paying for his meal with cash and not using a meal swipe?!" so I went to the other cashier and she swiped my ID and I was good to go. Then I looked at the path ahead of me and what do I see? Cole/Dylan Sprouse. I have to say Cole/Dylan because I honestly have no clue which one is which so instead of being wrong, I just leave that up to interpretation. At first, he was turned to the side and I couldn't really see his face all that well. But then I was like "WAIT A SECOND HE COULD BE A SPROUSE" so I was staked out a solid 5 feet from him waiting for him to turn his head to face me. Then he turned his head to face me and I was like "OH MY GOD IT'S COLE/DYLAN." Then he walked away. My friends were seated at a table on the horizon. Like any sane person, I walked with eyes the size of oranges over to the table my friends were sitting at and they said nothing of my ghastly face - which concerns me because now I'm worried that they think that's my normal face and I swear it's not - and I said, "Guys….I just saw a Sprouse." We were able to determine him in the crowd of people, but we were not close enough to effectively intern for the paparazzi. I got a great picture with him though and you can view that here. Isn't it great that I am able to maintain my composure and grace even in the midst of a celebrity? It's so in-character for me. All I want to do is meet Emma Stone. I am in the process of writing her a letter. Yes a letter (Grandma, if you're reading this, I'm writing you a return letter too. It's very similar to my letter to Emma Stone. Also I need to figure out where to buy stamps [post office]). I did see the lady who plays Alec Baldwin's mom on 30 Rock walking on the street the other night! I know! I was so surprised that THE [whatever her name is] was WALKING. On a STREET.

            In other news, I finally joined Spotify, which was a great decision. Except that my reputation is molded when I listen to music now. Because now I can't listen to Destiny's Child and Spice Girls and Wham without my entire vast network of friends from around the world knowing about it. Which is stupid. Also, I hate their commercials that play when you listen to it because it sounds like the beginning of a good song and I'm sitting there like an idiot going, "THIS IS GOOD WHAT IS THIS?!?!?!?" and then it shouts at me, "DO YOUR FRIENDS HAVE BIRTHDAYS? YOU CAN ALWAYS GIVE SPOTIFY AS A GIFT!" Yes. Give them an account to a free music site that literally anyone in the world has access to. But it's great.

            Guys (the grammar check keeps wanting me to change "Guys" to "People") I just figured out how to turn off the Spotify feature that posts songs I listen to to Facebook. Thank God I'm a genius.

            The basic jist of things is that New York is awesome and I have been lucky enough to meet many wonderful people, most of whom I interact with on a regular basis. I have brilliant teachers. And I party all the time. If there is anything you should take from this literature, it's that I party all the time. Everyday. All day. Ell. Oh. Ell.

P.S. For those of you who do not follow me on Twitter, I will render a second edition of my acclaimed adaptation of Goodnight Moon here. 

Now That My Horrific Incident of Terror Is Over...

I just thought I would share some terrifying moments of my life. I find them extremely terrifying.

Scary Story #1: 2 nights ago, I was laying in bed attempting to fall asleep. My iPod was on shuffle. I was close to falling asleep when all of a sudden California Gurls by Katy Perry featuring The Snoop Dogg (yes. there is a 'the,' at least in my mind) started playing. I was jolted from my almost slumber, seeing as moments before the car accident I was in, this very song was playing on the radio. I grabbed my phone amidst my very vivid flashbacks, attempting to text my fellow car accident survivor, then realized I had lost her phone number. My intended text to her said "I hope this wakes you from a deep slumber. California Gurls just came on my iPod and I changed the song very quickly. The phrase "Greetings, loved ones," now has a very different significance behind it." Instead, I called Domino's Pizza and ordered a pizza. The delivery man said "I really hope you like this pizza. I ran a red light on my way here!" I then tipped the driver and carried on with my life.

Scary Story #2: A few years ago, I was walking to my bus stop on a breezy fall morning. A dry leaf was being blown across the ground and was making a terrifying noise reminiscent of a crab walking on a sidewalk. I thought it was a crab walking on the sidewalk. It was a leaf. I was released from the emergency room 7 hours later after proper treatment for a heart attack.

Scary Story #3: I HATE BIRDS. Let me chronicle my history of avian hatred for you.  I was standing outside waiting for the bus, which is already awkward enough because I stand in the driveway of someone I have never met. However, this one morning as I stood there, I noticed an incessant schirping coming from behind me. 2 birds had begun to fight MID-AIR in an area out of my supervision. After drastically adjusting my standing position by rotating to the left 90 degrees, I watched intently as the fight escalated. And grew closer and closer to my location at the time. I began yelling at the bus down the street to hurry up and it obeyed and I narrowly escaped death that day.

The very next day I proceeded to the same bus stop with the slightest hint of fear. I had told my dad about the birds and he said, "Just clap at them. They're skittish. That will scare them off." As I approached my waiting spot, I thought about what he said, then noticed there was a surprising lack of birds. I now believe birds are mind-readers because less than 5 seconds after I had this thought, THE SAME 2 MISCHIEVOUS BIRDS APPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE, STILL IN A FULL-ON BRAWL. I'm no bird, but usually my brawls last well under 24 hours. Whether this is because of my obvious violent nature and intimidating appearance or because of my vow to stop beating people to a pulp, I may never know. Anyway these winged beasts reappeared, much to my chagrin, and were scoping out the ideal fighting grounds. What better place, than 2 inches from my face. As they swooped viciously toward my head, I cringed harder than anyone has cringed in the history of the world. As I watched my life flash before my eyes, I heard my dad's words of encouragement float around in my head: "Clap at them. They don't like that." So I began clapping wildly. Unbeknownst to me, birds receive clapping more as applause and began fighting even more wildly than before. From my peripherals, I could see a jogger on the other side of the street, jogging aimlessly by while I was on the brink of death. I now know who I will not be saving from a bird attack if I witness one. That jogging man. If you are reading this, WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU: YOUR MORNING EXERCISE ROUTINE OR THE LIFE OF AN INNOCENT AMERICAN CITIZEN?!?! So I survived that somehow. And after recounting this story to my father and telling him I tried clapping, he suggested, "Maybe you should get an umbrella." Newsflash: It is not raining birds, they are simply attacking me. But thank you for your concern!

Several weeks later, I attended my brother's band concert in an indoor high school auditorium. Upon my arrival, the head of our performing arts department was running around the auditorium with a butterfly net. At the time, I found this quite humorous and continued on my quest to find a perfect seat. I sat in the middle of the house left side of the auditorium. As the band performed, I watched and listened attentively until this GIANT black bird came swooping down over the heads of the audience and then perched on the light fixture at the side of the stage. I kid you not, this bird GLARED DIRECTLY INTO MY EYES for at least 3 minutes before swooping over the performing band and into the space above the stage.

I used to think indoors was a safe place. I have since been proven wrong.


I fear a lot of things, however my birds story was long enough that I can split my fears into multiple blogs. My list of fears goes something like this:

1. Bees
2. Birds
3. Blood Drives
4. Ants
5. The Ku Klux Klan
6. Heights
7. Drowning

...and there are a lot more on this list. But I want to try to avoid identity theft as much as I can.

*Insert Witty Farewell*

Hello.

Hello. Welcome to my wonderful blog. I started TODAY. Fascinating, I know. Let's take a second and glance around this page. There is so much written on this page, I'm not sure how it all fits on here. Because I am such an avid ocean wave photographer, I have included a photo of a wave as my background. I took this picture and I am SUPER proud of it...

The next thing you should know about me is that I am TERRIFIED of drowning and the last thing I would ever want to do is venture to an ocean and photograph deathly large waves. I apologize to whomever DID photograph this wave, both for taking credit for it as my own and for your stupidity in approaching such a deathtrap.

If you are now dead, my deepest apologies to you and your family...(RIP?)

Brief observation for today: I just got a new pair of flip flops for $3. Which I think is a bargain. And it would be even more of a bargain...if they did not make it sound like I'm walking through a war zone wherever I go. My friend shouted at me "PICK.UP.YOUR.FEET." So I did. And unless I begin walking in a manner reminiscent of the Nazi goosestep, my stealth is lost. All hope is gone.

I hope this has inspired you in 3 ways:
1.) I hope you are inspired to purchase some bargain flip flops.
2.) I hope you are inspired to buy matching ear muffs. NOT earplugs, earmuffs.
3.) I hope you are inspired to remain OUTSIDE of the Nazi party, as the goosestep is not exactly the most comfortable way to walk.
4.) I hope you are inspired to learn to count, as I have forgotten how.
5.) I hope you are inspired to send help to the tsunami victims of Japan, as most of them were wave photographers.

Farewell.